Are YOU In an Unhealthy Relationship?
by Mel-chan-of-doom
Summary: Kamui contemplates his "relationship" with Fuuma while filling out an idiotic checklist...
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: X is Clamp's, not mine  
All Sorashi parts are dedicated to my lovely Ara-chan (A.K.A Lonely Night Angel) –'cause she rocks! = = Although Shirou Kamui's day had currently lacked a molestation session, which was always good to be without, it still was not going well. School had been hell. He fell asleep in two classes and had scary, bondage-y dreams, and he failed a test. It really wasn't his fault he failed the test either, he had not time to study in the first place, he had been too busy the past week pulling shards of glass out of his arms and legs. Poor Kamui could only imagine how much better his grades would have been if he was not Fuuma's "beloved" and well-worn pin cushion.  
The best thing about his day was that school was finally over, giving him time to walk home and drown in his angst the entire time and reflect about the plagues of his life and being a Kamui. Kamui has a very interesting idea of fun and ways too feel better. On his way out, two girls handed him these random flyers. People always hand students these things in the high school, always about some dance or something he can't go to since he's too busy being raped and stabbed by his newly sexier ex-best friend—oh and that whole saving the world thing. He really lacked the time and energy to say "no thank you" to flyers that were shoved into his arms with noticeable force. Perhaps it was a good thing he didn't stand there and say anything—he had enough guys and girls flirting with him for the next 7 months or more.  
Kamui soon grew tired of his walk and sat down on a bench with nothing to do than to read these idiotic pieces of paper. He took out the first, it said,"Are you in a healthy relationship?" Underneath that was a checklist. Woohoo. Kamui knew one of the things his life truly lacked, healthy relationships. There really aren't many healthy things about him. Kamui soon grew tired of reading that checklist, knowing there were absolutely no boxes he could fill in. He tossed it aside. He observed the second paper, now this was more his style. It read,"Are you in an unhealthy relationship?" Kamui suddenly found nothing better to do than to fill it out pertaining to his relationship with Fuuma. Now this would be fun.  
The first box said," Gets jealous when you talk to a friend of the opposite sex." Kamui knew in an instant that this list was not made with homosexual relationships in mind- stupid narrow-minded health class teachers. He had no clue what to make of that box. He left it blank. He read the next, "Gets jealous of your close friendships." Well, he did go and kill Kotori. He checked off the box. Kamui looked on to a few boxes down to see one that read,"Tries to control or manipulate you." He checked it off, and then glanced at the next, "Acts possessive, like he or she owns you." He felt it appropriate to check that box off a few times. The next box said "Gets physically abusive, grabs, pushes, hits, pinches, pulls hair or throws objects." Kamui almost laughed, surely being used as a personal pin cushion counted as physical abuse. He suppressed the urge to check off the box more than once to give him more time to move on with the checklist.  
Checking off, "smashes things or destroys property," was a no- brainer—Fuuma thoroughly enjoys blowing up buildings. Soon he came to a box which read,"Uses alcohol or drugs to justify behavior." The thought occurred to him, does Fuuma use drugs? Kamui was in luck, for Fuuma chose that moment to approach him.  
"Good afternoon, Kamui. I found a nice back alley...I can break a window and all you have to do is remember not to scream the wrong name this time," Fuuma offered with a suggestive wink.  
Normally Kamui would shudder and freeze up in preparation for yet another molestation session, but he was too engrossed in the checklist. "Fuuma, do you drink or take drugs?"  
Fuuma was not supposed to look like he was in shock, but this was really random. Kamui should be crying or bleeding or- something. Fuuma answered, "I don't take drugs." He failed to say anything about a few cigarettes or drinks he had lately. No time for drugs in his busy schedule, too busy with murder and molestation, of course.  
  
==   
  
Sorata was not having a good day. He expected by now that Arashi would be flirting back with him, but the icy beauty still glared or turned away and didn't even thank him when he opened countless doors for her, or pulled out her seat at lunch. Needless to say, he was having second thoughts about serenading her with Gackt's latest single tomorrow. Which was too bad, he had almost all the words memorized.  
On the way out of their last class, Sorata lost track of where on earth Arashi has quietly bolted to. He gave up after a quite a few minutes, he'd see her later. Suddenly, some random cute girls shoved some flyers into his arms. Sorata was disappointed to see the flyers were not for an event he could take Arashi to, not that flyers are anything to be excited about. They were just some stupid health class surveys that no one ever cares to look at for more than a few seconds. He read the first, "Are you in an Unhealthy Relationship?" A few people turned and stared at him after he firmly replied," No," out loud. He folded the sheet into a paper airplane and threw it hard and far in a random direction, with no intention of seeing it ever again and no worrying that it might hit someone in the eye, ear, or some other random body part. He opened the other time consuming sheet of paper, titled," Are you In a Healthy Relationship?" Sorata nearly jumped for joy, he knew how he would spend his afternoon! To him, this checklist was another sign from destiny, which by now most would be extremely sick of. This checklist meant he was meant to be with the beautiful Arashi! Now, all he had to do was find her. ==   
Clearly, Kamui was not doing well at all with this checklist. Fuuma was ready to carry him into a lovely molestation session, so he wasn't exactly stuck on the box which read, "Pressures you to have sex or hurts or humiliates you when you do." He checked it off. He wasn't even sure if he wanted to count how many checks there were, not that there would be time with Fuuma standing there and all.  
Fuuma was getting extremely impatient. "Do I have to carry you there?" Kamui jumped at a question. He was really sick of making a scene everywhere he went. Plus, Fuuma was getting to be a bit annoying; he was getting in the way of finishing the checklist.  
"...I want to finish this," Kamui mumbled softly.  
"That's it!" Fuuma couldn't take it anymore. He grabbed Kamui and lifted him over one shoulder to take him to wherever the heck that alley was. Kamui was obviously kicking and screaming and freaking out. People were staring at this wonderfully normal display of "platonic friendship," but no one really did anything about it. No one ever really does.  
Kamui luckily still has his pen in his hand; the first thing he would hopefully get to do once he was put down would be to check off, "Doesn't listen when you talk." But we know that Kamui is never anywhere near that lucky, especially with Fuuma around.  
  
== Now...GO REVIEW!!! U wants more, TELL ME!!!! If u don't...TELL ME!!!! But don't just sit there and go read something else after u read this without reviewing this first, or I'll send Fuuma after u!!!!! 


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: X IS NOT MINE! I'm not dead- I HAD WRITER'S BLOCK...and sort of this thing called a life!! Okay?! A Billion kisses and thank you's to all who reviewed the previous chapter and were pretty kind to me. I really love everyone who puts up with the crap I write and doesn't complain And, I'm really sorry about not updating in so long- for anyone who cared.  
  
Note: These checklists exist!! I did not create them for the convenience of the fic! They were in things at my school, I even took a bunch and made them into wrapping paper for my friend's birthday present. So unfortunately, I can't really take credit for what the checklists say...the narrow-minded health teachers can. As a result of collecting these in case of the emergency of losing one, these checklists are all over my house. Every time I clean my room (not too often) I find quite a few. Ok here we go...drum roll  
  
Sorata was overflowing with excitement, which caused many things to be knocked down, as he was not watching where he was going. Once he had finally found Arashi, he was still unable to contain himself. He shoved the survey into her face. Arashi didn't know what to make of Sorata's extra amount of energy. She blinked at the survey.  
"It's a sign," Sorata declared dreamily. Arashi blinked a few times and Sorata didn't notice the figurative question mark above her head. "Let's fill it out now!"  
  
"...We always treat each other with respect...I'll check that off... and we never try to control or manipulate each other so I can check that off...and yes...it's fine if we have friends of the opposite sex...never cheat on each other...and...support each other's goals. I have my fate! I will die for you!" Arashi didn't know what to say, but she was thinking of how often he tends to say he'll die for her. . . He continued, "We are doing so well..." Then he did the unthinkable to Arashi, who seems to value her personal space very much. He took her hand. Arashi dug her perfect nails in immediately. "OWWW!!!...It's okay...this pain is showing how much you love me..." He clutched his red throbbing hand passionately. Arashi wondered if it was her or if that really did sound very masochistic.  
  
==   
  
Meanwhile, the paper airplane Sorata had carelessly thrown a little while ago which happened to be the checklist," Are You In An Unhealthy Relationship?" was still gliding through the air, not hitting anyone yet. After about 5 minutes of aimless gliding, it wandered into Ueno Park. Once it reached Ueno Park, it floated close to the Sakurazukamori, who had just fed his tree there . . .closer and closer until finally the point landed in Seishirou's fake eye. Most people would panic or scream ,"ouch!" if some random pointy paper airplane had just poked them into the eye. Even if happened to be a fake eye, some sort of surprise in the response is to be expected...but Seishirou has that whole no-emotion-perfect-killer thing going on, so he would be the exception. He just pulled the thing out and took a look at it—and smirked for a considerably long time. He sadistically wondered what his Subaru-kun would think of the checklist. Many people around the world suddenly raised eyebrows at what the author just wrote, what exactly would one lable Subaru and Seishirou's relationship?...Whatever it is, it really can't be healthy... == Fuuma had Kamui cornered in the alley once he finally dropped him there. All Kamui had was his little ballpoint pen and the survey still in his hand, which really couldn't do much besides some pokes and paper-cuts. Ooh, scary. If only he had known, he would have taken the holy sword with him, not that it would be convenient in any way especially if anyone had found it...how to explain? Unfortunately, he had also forgotten his trusty Body Fluid Cleanup Kit, which always came in handy when Fuuma was around. Then again, he never had that thing around him at the right times. "Now," Fuuma smirked, "Where to begin?" He was pleased as usual. He had finally cornered his prey. Kamui shuddered a bit, then checked off, "makes you feel scared or uncomfortable around him (or her) – through looks, gestures, or actions." Most would feel uncomfortable at the person who impales them and licks their blood on a regular basis. Fuuma suddenly became very irritated. Things weren't right. He wasn't getting Kamui's trademark "please-don't-hurt-me" wobbly amethyst-eyed look, and Kamui definitely was NOT shivering in sheer terror enough. He was concentrating on that stupid piece of paper. So, Fuuma did the most mature thing he could possibly think of: he took the pen. "Hey!" Kamui flinched,"I need that!" At last, Fuuma had finally gotten his uke's attention! The pen could prove to be more useful than he has thought, with the lack of broken glass and holy sword and such. But he immediately had second thoughts about the brilliant pen-stabbing idea. It just didn't seem to be that sexy. Unfortunately, having Kamui's full attention by taking the pen did not seem to last long enough. Kamui eyed the empty check mark that must be filled, "doesn't take you seriously or the things that are important to you seriously." i.e.- in Kamui's mind: not being molested and getting the pen back. Kamui sighed. This was going to be a long day. ==   
"We don't scream at each other...I can check that off!" Sorata was still having fun. Arashi was still irritated at the terribly discouraging observation that digging her nails into his hand did not indeed drive him away. Sorata continued to grin from ear to ear, "I found another one I can check off! 'Respect each other's rights to your own feelings, friends and opinions!' I respect you very much!" Arashi contemplated another tactic. Perhaps ignoring him would work. She decided to make an attempt to pretend not to listen and try to chop vegetables, but we all know chopping vegetables is not exactly Arashi's forte.  
Yuzuriha was in the corner of the kitchen. She was quite amused at the small bursts of chaos between Sorata and Arashi if not the Gravitation volume 2 conveniently hidden in her History textbook she appeared to be reading. Yuzuriha ended up giggling from time to time with such ample sources of amusement. Watching Arashi try to chop vegetables only added to the thrill, but Shuichi and Eiri were the icing on the cake.  
"Hmmm..." Sorata's tone of voice had abruptly changed. Arashi knew no good could come from that. It seemed as though he was trying to sound...sultry. "We don't communicate about sex, do we? I can't check that off! Hmm..'If you do have sex, you practice safe sex.' Oh, don't worry Miss, when that magical time comes I promise we'll use a condom!"  
That was the last straw. Ignoring proved to not to be effective at all. Arashi turned as red as the ripe tomatoes she was formerly mutilating and fought no impulses to hold up the sharp knife threateningly. Any normal guy would have been scared half to death at this point of Arashi, but Sorata was only minorly flustered. He had never seen such intense fire fill Arashi's beautiful blue eyes before. She looked even hotter than usual, her homicidal expression was only a major turn-on.  
Sorata continued his mindless babbling after his quick realization of how turned-on he was. "and if when we do have sex, it won't hurt OR make you feel badly so I can check that box off too!" Arashi dropped the knife and blinked a few times.  
"Hey!" Sorata grinned again. "You know what I just realized? We just communicated about sex, so I can check off that box now! Hooray!" Arashi scrambled to pick up the knife, completely oblivious to the fact that she could merely summon that convenient sword out of her hand and threaten him with that.  
Yuzuriha couldn't take it anymore. The entertainment was too much for her. She cracked up. She ended up rolling on the floor laughing hysterically. As a result, her Gravitation 2 fell out of her text and into Sorata's view as a terribly doom-filled distraction. He did the unthinkable. He picked it up.  
"Hey what's this? Is that one of those manga series with the two guys together I heard about...?" Yuzuriha needed another distraction fast.  
"Have you finished borrowing my Gackt cd yet, Sorata-san?" -Not so good.  
Sorata and Arashi exchanged confused glances as Yuzuriha quickly grabbed her tankuban and bolted out of the room.  
  
OKEY!!!REVIEW NOW!! HURRY!!!! 


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